The 97% Theory

The 97% Theory
A friend and I were talking over a bottle of Sex...champagne that is. It was the closest thing to it that we could find that night. As the bubbles started to get to our heads, we came up with the 97% theory. 97% of the guys in Chicago are douchebags. Period. OK, OK, maybe a little harsh but if you are a guy reading this and find yourself offended, consider yourself lucky to be a part of the 3%. Oh, and I would like to meet you and shake your hand.

Unfortunately for us, the 3% are made up of family members, reformed husbands or boyfriends' of friends and the rare, almost extinct good guy. This elusive species is harder to find than the bald eagle. As we sat there scratching our heads wondering how this could have happened and where it all went wrong, I saw a guy buy the girl next to him a drink and a few seconds later they were making out. Really? Get a room! Well...they didn't wait long. Quite the thank you if I’d ever seen one. After a few sessions at the bar, they left hand in hand groping one another and sure enough went home to seal the deal. The light went on...why would guys (or some girls to be fair) settle for one when you can have one every night you step foot into the bar? Girls give it up too easily and guys can’t resist the temptation. Girls have become sex crazed animals who instead of beating them have joined them. Have women become the lion in this scenario and not the zebra?

Both sexes have teamed up to out one night stand one another, thus leaving us with the largest group of singles ever and the divorce rate at an all time high of 50%. If Oprah was still on-air I would write her a little letter about the 97% theory and ask her to shed some light on the issue. Maybe the world’s most powerful woman could help reverse the curse.  But for now, we’ll just have to sit back, relax and enjoy funny stories about the 97%. It’s the 97% movement, beware, it’s catchy.
Happy hunting for that 3% ladies, they’re out there. And when you find them let me know where.

XO
S

It’s wedding season, bitches.

I’ve wanted to start this dating blog for months, and today my friends is the day! The shit that happens to me is just too funny and ridiculous not to share.  I’ve been “single” now for what’s going on 2 years (or is it 3? Who gives a crap, it's been awhile) since I moved out of my boyfriend’s apartment and today is his wedding day. I didn’t think I would care since I broke it off with him and never looked back, but after taking down a large Lou Malnati’s pizza, watching my third episode of My Fair Wedding on the WE network, and finally having the balls to write my first blog post I’m thinking it’s gotten to me.  The worst part of today though was the decision to order and finish the pizza. It was a thin crust BTW, I'm not that big of a cow...geeez. I have two weddings coming up in the next month where I plan on meeting some eligible bachelors so I have to look hot and fit into my summer wedding attire, which of course is not a wedding dress, but a bridesmaid dress. I best start my detox tomorrow.

As we embark on the summer wedding season let’s consult my two favorite womanizers, John Beckwith and Jeremy Grey from one of my favorite movies, Wedding Crashers. These two animals live by what they call, “Wedding Crashers’ Code.” There are 112 codes they live by. I’ve narrowed down the code and instead of a code to crash by you can use my top twelve to pick up members of the opposite sex at any of your weddings this summer.

Rule#1 Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Rule#2 Be the life of the party.
Rule#3 Blend in by standing out.
Rule#4 Fight to tell the truth.
Rule#5 Deep down, most people hate themselves. This knowledge is the key to most bedroom doors.
Rule#6 When it stops being fun, break something.
Rule#7 Bridesmaids are desperate - console them.
Rule#8 Bring an extra umbrella when it rains. Courtesy opens more legs than charm.
Rule#9 You love animals and children.
Rule#10 Shoes say a lot about the man.
Rule#11 No “chicken dancing” - no exceptions.
Rule#12 Etiquette isn’t old-fashioned. It’s sexy.

Happy dating,

L